The Big C

So here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: I might have cancer. Yeah. The big, scary C I grew up thinking was the deadliest thing in the world, and it’s staring me down like a bull and I’m the idiot wearing red in the ring.

I know I talked last time about getting back on schedule after my husband’s medical stuff, just to not post on Friday like usual. Well, that’s because I was off getting a series of tests and screenings done to see exactly what we’re working with here. An answer I’m still waiting on. Yep, it seems that for all the advancements we’ve made in medicine, a LOT of cancer screenings is “take this test; now wait.” Which, let me tell you, is driving me absolutely batty.

For seemingly obvious reasons: I haven’t really gotten any writing done. Monday was a mess of medical treatments for me and hubby. Tuesday was catch up at work, then Wednesday was the dreaded phone call and a bunch of calls back and forth culminating in two days of testing that I played a lot of Love Island: The Game to distract myself from. All to find out that, while there’s a mass somewhere in my body it’s not supposed to be made up of stuff not meant to be there, they can’t say with full certainty that it’s cancer yet.

Which is resulting in two very different parts of me. The calm, rational part that deals with medical stuff and insurance all the time. I don’t even often deal with serious stuff like cancer, so I know they want to be 100% before they give me that news, before they say the terrible, awful part out loud.

On the other hand, I have ADHD and patience is something other people have to tolerate in their lives, not me. I want my answers now with the ferocity of a child stomping her foot over a golden goose. Thankfully, only one version of me is winning out. I would love to say I’m pushing through this. That I’m sticking to my goals despite this news and I’m not going to let it get me down. I’ve been so busy running around I’m well off my meds though, so until they kick back in, I’m going to be realistic.

I might get some editing for Biker Blues done. I might get a beta for it. That’s going to be entirely dependent on how much of my social battery gets drained talking constantly to doctors and nurses in the coming days. If I’m being completely and totally honest with myself, I’m probably going to spend a majority of the next few days on the Love Island inspired series that I didn’t think was going to exist but apparently will now.

All in all, this was a rough last few days and time will tell if the following days are going to be rougher. Either way, I’ll pour as much of myself into my writing as I can and keep working towards that goal of getting published.